Don't worry. I'm cool. I got this. I'll be honest though, i've got to a strange strange point of the diet. I have to admit it, although it's shameful and makes me feel dirty. I'm terrified someone will find me and out me, so i'm gonna out myself. I, Rachel, am addicted to "food porn". The term food porn is nothing to do with the normal porn you see after 11pm, you dirty so and so's. It's pictures of glamorous food, beautifully staged, well lit, there to tease you! If you came on my computer any given day, you will find this tab, and this tab always open. I know what you're thinking and people have asked it. Am I not only giving myself a hard time by looking at these? Strangely, no. It's the whole "look but you can't touch" saying I've been talking about. I get some enjoyment out of looking at these beautiful images and it gives me a cheap happiness. I don't know the science behind it, but I'm not having diva tantrums and still enjoying the shakes. So if it gives me that moment of happiness. Let it be!
I have been getting a similar thing from smell. I purposely sat beside a man who was eating take out on the bus just to smell it. A cheap thrill. Well £1.40 with oyster, but ya get me. Laura has made two cakes this week, not because she is devious, there was just two occasions calling for it. And I sat in my room letting the smell rise up to me and had a cheeky smile on my face enjoying it, a smile only food gives me. There is some power in smell, and it connects me slightly to the old food, but in a non-calerioe way. There was one occasion this week where smell could've took the night off. I had to do some flyering for future cinema, which was outside London Bridge tube station. We had to wear our prisoner outfits to draw attraction, it got so cold and the novelty soon wore off. If that wasn't bad enough, I was stood outside a chicken shop! Fried chicken was calling me, my stomach was talking to me in seven different languages. I ignored it and put my captain sass hat on but it didn't make it any easier. I got myself home, had the chicken shake and felt better for it. Although that night I did have a nightmare that my brother refused to buy me chinese food and I was so angry with him. I've also had dreams where I ate a cream egg and woke up so annoyed. Food you are consuming me. But at least I'm not consuming you. Winning!
As you know, I've still kept my social skates on and haven't slipped yet. Last Friday I went home early as I lost interest. This week I had a birthday so I wanted to be my best for it. We had some friends over before, they had dinner and wine with the other flatmates and I have to admit I would've loved a glass of vino. Seeing everyone with their wine glasses and enjoying themselves made me want to join in. So I did. I had a wine glass of milkshake. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade flavoured milkshake.
We got to the pub/club and it was really good to see everyone in the one place. It was a small place but had a dance floor in the back which played jazz/salsa/every kind of music that makes you move your hips. At first I chilled sitting down to chat to people. Every-time someone went to the bar I asked could they get me a water. I'm a cheap date. For some reason an hour in I felt a bit down from it. I got really jealous of everyone letting go for the weekend. Thats the thing with this diet. There's no release for the weekend. Y'know the friday feeling and you have a drink and your shoulders relax and you think "Weekend". There isn't that. If you don't, make it for yourself. I txt my brother and said I was being silly and feeling low and he sent me back a really uplifting txt, reminding me how good I'm doing, how positive it is, all I needed to hear. I quickly got over myself and just thought who needs alcohol! I went to the dance floor and approached it the same way you approach a cold swimming pool. You put your toe in first and see how it feels, well it tapped, so I dived in. I danced for the rest of the night. I shook what my momma gave me, got low low low low. And loved it. I, sober Rachel, didn't roll home until 4am. What am I like! Everyone was so positive that night about the diet/blog and saying I looked healthier and thinner already. It gave me such an up. I even woke with a phantom hangover. Maybe it was all the dancing but I woke feeling groggy and headachy. But this hangover was cured with one glass of water, not a dominoes. And I feel all the better for it. Weigh in is around the corner, hoping it pays off again!
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