When I started this blog, after two weeks I thought I would run out of things to talk about. I would go to my weigh in every Monday and that would be something to write about, but what else? Well the word count need not worry just yet, because food is everywhere, and the more I see it, the more I dodge it. Thus, me blabbing on to my modern day diary about how life is so hard for a (bit too) curvy girl wanting to be Beyonce.
I started my volunteering at Shawshank Redemption this week. Future Cinema turned the old school into a prison, and i'm a production assistant.... and turns out actress. All staff have to dress as prisoners to go along with it. I wouldn't look out for an oscar nomination just yet, every other member of staff are putting on the Southern American accent and there's me with my Norn Iron accent trying to be scary. It's been really fun and they are so nice to work for. It's really exciting seeing all the professional actors pretend to be guards and scaring everyone. The only downfall was something I mentioned before, the hot dogs/burgers. I knew I couldn't bring my shakes with me, so before I left at 3pm I would have my lunch one and bring loads of water. But at the end of the shift around 10pm they give out the hots dogs and burgers to all staff. This is also during the staff meeting, so I'm sitting in my prisoners outfit trying to listen to the manager and all I can think about is how the person next to me keeps letting fried onions fall out of her bread and onto the table. Could she be anymore insensitive? No, it was fine, I told them about it during the day. Y'know how when you work with the same group of strangers for a day and by the end of it you could tell what her granny had for breakfast. We were part time bessie's and it made it easier to laugh about it and they were all apologetic while they scoffed their beautiful food into their mouths. I realised the 2nd night as it was a freebie I shouldn't pass it up. So I went and got the hotdog and brought it home with me for my very happy housemate Jess. Passing it over is what I could only imagine a Dad feels when he passes his good-as-gold only daughter over to her future husband. You know it's in good hands, but you just find it hard to let go. By the time I got home I was ravenous. The hotdog was speaking to me i'm sure. I got home and had my milkshake and got into my cosy Pj's and thought of all the nice clothes I can wear soon to get me over it.
This week has been full of teases. Since I'm not spending money on food I thought the cinema could be my treat. It's only £5 where I live so it's a nice little treat that is covered by what I'd usually spend on chips allowance. My poor chip shop has probably hit the recession with me out of action. But anyway... Me and my friend from home Emmett had planned to go Les Mis over Christmas for when it came out here. This should have been 11th January, but with us keeping time clashing we had to put this off. I.am.SO.glad. Oh my god! What an emotional rollercoaster! 11th January was my first week on shakes and no way could I have handled it. I felt like Fontaine as it was and that was 3rd week. I cried the whole way through it and that was me stable. When I got to the cinema the popcorn smell was trying to seduce me but I was having none of it. The 2nd time this week I went with some other friends and we all went to see Django Unchained. They all stopped to buy treats for the film and I had to take on my "what would Beyonce do?" memo and think "oh she probably has an early start dance rehearsal and doesn't eat after 6pm so I don't need treats" and got over it. It was a little hard during the film smelling on the nice giant strawberries, fizzy sweets, crisps etc. But I concentrated on Jamie Foxx being a fox and got on with it. I didn't realise how strong my sense of smell was until I realised I can still smell those sweets now. But to be honest, I'm a sweets kinda gal. The easter bunny knows only too well to leave me a pic n mix instead of a chocolate egg and he's been on my good side ever since. But look where that has got me, well maybe not the one off easter, maybe the all year round dabbling at the pic n mix.... moving on.
I have got to a weird point. I look at food online all the time. I spend so long looking at food blogs, recipes sites and images of meals. It's like a little hit I get from it. Where I once used to have a Take That calendar every year I'm thinking of getting a food one I'm that pleased at looking at it. I don't know how to explain it. The whole "you want what you can't have" must be in the holy bible because never a truer word spoken. I am on BBC Good Food looking at how they cook things, the finished look, dreaming that I'm making it. I had a nightmare that I was eating fizzy sweets once and another time that I was drinking coke. I woke up so annoyed with myself then reminded myself I've been good as gold and told myself I'm a superstar! I hope when I go back to normal life I lose this obsessiveness, it can't be healthy!
Getting a little fed up this week to be honest. I have been positive the whole time, keeping my spirits up and seeing it as a really good thing. I hate to be in a bad mood around people and keep reminding myself that I've put myself through this, so there is no excuse to be grouchy and negative. But I've decided that today for a one-off I'm just going to be in a bad mood. It's only human. My mum is really good at reminding me that I'm going through a massive experience and to just keep going but feel how ya wanna feel. It's only more exhausting to try be in good spirits when you don't feel up to it. It's so cold, I want a bowl of hot food, and I've had the same three flavours all week. I'm not feeling great, but tomorrow I'll get over myself and hop back on the sassy attitude. My family and friends sending little uplifting messages is so so great. Completely lifts my mood. I hope i'm as supportive to my friends who are on it now. My cousin is on it and lost 7 pound on her first week, i'm so happy for her. It's so nice we have each other to txt to get us through it. Butch Cassidy really did need the Sundance Kid.
When I've felt down before, I go onto clothes websites and look at the dresses I couldn't wear before that I will be able to soon. Before my clothes shopping was so limited, half the time I was wearing things that I didn't want to but because it fits. Topshop/Zara and the likes don't cater for bigger girls, so I didn't go there. Now I could even get my graduation dress there. That's the motivation keeping me going. One positive I've felt already apart from the energy, is my hair and nails. People said they improve when your on it, because of all the vitamins. Now coicidently I have bought better shampoo recently, but I don't think it' just that. It feel so much more healthier, to the point that Jess responded "Yeah I thought it looked healthier, like a wig, in a good way!" She meant well by it, I'm a firm believer in taking a compliment when you get it, so thanks Jess. I'm looking forward to Monday to my next weigh in, hopefully it'll give me a positive boost. If you don't hear from me soon, you'll see me on the next L'oreal advert with my new healthy hair, because I'm worth it!
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